Risk

“Hey honey bunny, can’t wait to see you!”

The text almost made me vomit in my mouth. It was Tuesday, our mid-week date night. I was rushing home after a long day of mollifying my landlord & the board with the promise that my dog would be delivered back to my mother’s house that day. I unlocked the door to my now quiet, puppy-less and empty apartment and sighed. I was trying very hard to not be annoyed with the text message, but I loathe pet names, and this new one was particularly vile. Only moments before, I was thrilled to see Jason. I surprised myself by how quickly my mood turned.

I was in the shower when he arrived, and I somehow managed to essentially ignore him while getting ready. We were due at my brother’s home in a few minutes to finish up the war game, RISK, that we’d started weeks earlier. As I rushed him to the subway, I realized we hadn’t even hugged hello yet.

On the subway platform, I turned to him, all big eyes and mournful mouth. “Hi.” I said.

In the car, we talked about why I had been acting so cold. I told him I missed my puppy, and explained that the pet name really freaked me out. He smiled and said he was being jokingly over-the-top. We both laughed. We were tenuously repaired.

There’s nothing like a game of warfare to fray an already strained evening. When Jason (who was essentially beaten) leaned over to counsel my brother on how to take over the entire world (he had the southern hemisphere; I the northern) I felt betrayal. How could he choose any side against me? I’m a bit of a poor loser and despite my best efforts I only barely kept it together. I went from jovial banter to veined politeness as I watched my brother rip through my armies.

Walking back to the subway, I attempted innocuous dialogue about the weather while my mind whirled. I was afraid – our relationship is so great that sometimes it terrifies me. I don’t want to lose him, but a part of me feels like I will (since I lose everyone) and so I sometimes push him away in an attempt to have control over something, anything. Conversely, I was now deeply afraid that he’d seen an unattractive side of me and he’d no longer want me. I was bracing myself for the breakup; telling myself that I couldn’t be perfect all the time and this relationship was too much pressure. It feels like a huge risk to be in something this great – there’s so much to lose.

And then, on the platform, he wordlessly pulled me in for a long, deep hug. Despite my best efforts, I started to cry a little bit. I hadn’t yet said a word when he whispered, “Baby, I love your flaws. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

It was like he had read my mind...I exhaled for what felt like the first time that night and relaxed into his embrace.


I can’t believe how lucky I am.

*scorpio*