Stranger Danger

On Sunday night, I was leaving my apartment with my boyfriend & best friend to see Bridesmaids. As we rounded the stairs, I saw a delivery guy on the landing. He was staring up at me with this really creepy look. I averted my eyes and kept moving down the stairs. He said, "Kristen?" I kept walking as I am not Kristen nor do I know one in the building.

Outside, Jason told me that ignoring the creepy man in my building was rude. Now, seeing as Jason has lived in the bucolic, mild-mannered town of Princeton for the past five years, I decided to educate him. "Dear, it's generally my policy not to engage with skeevy strangers in my stairwell," I said, "as both a woman and a New Yorker, you're going to have to trust me."

I wish that were the end of the conversation. Jason said it upset him to see me being rude as I was such a warm, loving person. I said, "Do you really want me to be warm and loving with strange men!?"

And then he did something totally out of the ordinary - he pouted. He pouted all the way to the movie theater, in front of my best friend. It was quite strenuous for me to carry the conversation and attempt to work around his mood. Finally, midway through the movie, he gave me a squeeze.

After the film, my best friend (wisely) departed, and Jason and I made our way home. The first thing out of his mouth: I'm sorry I called you rude.

Thank you!

I explained to him that I don't want to have the type of relationship where we correct each other's behavior. We are two individuals, operating in two separate spheres, and we can't attempt to control one another's actions. I'm going to act in a manner that makes me feel comfortable as a single woman living in Manhattan. He's going to need to understand that - especially as I am moving UP UPtown in a few months to an area that is decidedly less safe. Excuse me if I don't embrace the random men who call out women's names as I pass.

This also makes me a bit nervous for Italy. The last time I was there, I was sixteen. While packed on a bus in Rome, an old man shoved his hand up my shorts and into my underwear. To say I have misgivings about going back to Rome is an understatement. I've mollified myself with the knowledge that I am a seasoned New Yorker now, and I can take care of myself. I don't know how I'll react if Jason isn't supportive of the lengths I take for a feeling of security.

While Jason feels better after talking with me, I'm still a bit peeved. He brought it up again this morning. That makes the third time we've discussed this in as many days. I knew dating the son of therapists would have it's special challenges, but this feels a bit excessive. It feels as if he's undermining my intelligence and experience level. Why not trust my actions and give me the benefit of the doubt?

I called the one woman I knew would understand - my mother. She was a model in the city when she was a bit younger than me, and when she was my age, she put her long, shiny blonde hair in a high ponytail on top of her head, and cut it off just below the elastic. She dyed it brown. Anything to stop the attentions of men, she said.

While I won't go to those extremes, I certainly dress in my version of armour. Only recently have I felt assertive enough to wear sweeter pieces. I don't want that power subverted by my boyfriend's idea of 'manners'.

My mother said to tell him, "Pretty women have walls. They have to."

I hope he understands - because I won't say it again.

*scorpio*

Risk

“Hey honey bunny, can’t wait to see you!”

The text almost made me vomit in my mouth. It was Tuesday, our mid-week date night. I was rushing home after a long day of mollifying my landlord & the board with the promise that my dog would be delivered back to my mother’s house that day. I unlocked the door to my now quiet, puppy-less and empty apartment and sighed. I was trying very hard to not be annoyed with the text message, but I loathe pet names, and this new one was particularly vile. Only moments before, I was thrilled to see Jason. I surprised myself by how quickly my mood turned.

I was in the shower when he arrived, and I somehow managed to essentially ignore him while getting ready. We were due at my brother’s home in a few minutes to finish up the war game, RISK, that we’d started weeks earlier. As I rushed him to the subway, I realized we hadn’t even hugged hello yet.

On the subway platform, I turned to him, all big eyes and mournful mouth. “Hi.” I said.

In the car, we talked about why I had been acting so cold. I told him I missed my puppy, and explained that the pet name really freaked me out. He smiled and said he was being jokingly over-the-top. We both laughed. We were tenuously repaired.

There’s nothing like a game of warfare to fray an already strained evening. When Jason (who was essentially beaten) leaned over to counsel my brother on how to take over the entire world (he had the southern hemisphere; I the northern) I felt betrayal. How could he choose any side against me? I’m a bit of a poor loser and despite my best efforts I only barely kept it together. I went from jovial banter to veined politeness as I watched my brother rip through my armies.

Walking back to the subway, I attempted innocuous dialogue about the weather while my mind whirled. I was afraid – our relationship is so great that sometimes it terrifies me. I don’t want to lose him, but a part of me feels like I will (since I lose everyone) and so I sometimes push him away in an attempt to have control over something, anything. Conversely, I was now deeply afraid that he’d seen an unattractive side of me and he’d no longer want me. I was bracing myself for the breakup; telling myself that I couldn’t be perfect all the time and this relationship was too much pressure. It feels like a huge risk to be in something this great – there’s so much to lose.

And then, on the platform, he wordlessly pulled me in for a long, deep hug. Despite my best efforts, I started to cry a little bit. I hadn’t yet said a word when he whispered, “Baby, I love your flaws. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

It was like he had read my mind...I exhaled for what felt like the first time that night and relaxed into his embrace.


I can’t believe how lucky I am.

*scorpio*

London Bridge Fell Down

Well, I called it. London was fading away.

I spent part of last night fighting with him over text. My last text just before I got out of the cab to turn aggression into orgasms with my f-buddy read "what's the point".

London emailed me today and we spent most of the afternoon in this dramatic email exchange, finally settling as friends. We began as friends and mesh the best that way. I told him that I had regrets, which is the worst thing to have. I try to live my life without them and turn the worst of the worst into life lessons. I have yet to find my lesson in this, but maybe I will be able to turn a failed relationship into a lasting friendship? Maybe I just need to listen to my gut instinct and wear a Chastity belt!

*Aries*

Wait.....Is that the other shoe dropping?

Who am I am what has happened to the Aries I have come to know for the past 6 years?

I am finding myself holding my new man's hand with both hands....without even realizing it??! I can't go one second without wanting to be next to him, in his arms, holding his hand, kissing him, protecting him, helping him.....whatever. I feel like I did with my first serious boyfriend, back at 17 years old, before my innocence about the world was crushed by the many men who followed.

I was just starting to believe this new relationship could really be progressing the old fashioned way. He invited me to a black tie event for our third date and introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend. The next morning he had to leave early to catch a flight for a long weekend getaway. We BBM'd all day for four days. He told me how much I meant to him and how much he missed me. He flew back a day early and met me after my birthday celebration. Two nights later, we went to an amazing concert to raise money for Japan. Our bodies did not stop touching the entire night. He held me in both arms and rested his head on mine throughout the many musical sets. We had a private table, dim candlelight, and close to 2 bottles of wine, (aka....my perfect moment to let him know how I felt about him).

I don't remember how the moment started, but after I melted the very tip of the iceberg of my emotions he shut me down. I finished and can only recall certain phrases that he said "From our first date you told me you were leaving", "I think we should just continue to get to know each other as people", and "you never know what could happen in a year". I could feel my eyes, smile, and heart fall all at the same time. I excused myself and went to the bathroom for a pep talk. I stared at my reflection and thought "this is why you should keep a heart of steel". I took a deep breathe and walked back trying to adjust a fake smile. He knew something was horribly wrong, but I wouldn't admit to any pain. The rest of the night was tense and sleepless. I was on the very edge of my bed folded in the fetal position. It took me all of the next day to process my thoughts. I realized I still had to hold on tight to my fuck buddy and fun dates with London. I had to put the leash back on my over anxious heart.

We met for drinks the next night and I apologized for just shutting down and reassured him and myself that I put my feelings in check. We kissed, made up, and made love for the first time. My feelings were successfully locked in a cage somewhere deep inside.

Cut to the wedding table with his entire family.....

Both of us had a major buzz of vodkas and Long Island iced teas. I mentioned that "if I am still seeing you in July, you should come home with me."

He looked at me in shock and replied "why would we not still be seeing each other?"

My uncensored answer: "Because I am half in this."

Again his face twitched in shock as he replied: "What?"

Aries: "I am half in this because you are half in this. Remember our conversation at the concert?"

He basically admitted that he didn't know what to say and didn't want to get his heartbroken. I then told him what he didn't hear apparently, which made his face change again with happiness. I realized that I was having this loud, drunk conversation with him in front of his entire family and ended it.

The next day, we both acted like two people in a relationship for the long haul. I was holding his one hand with both of mine and he wrapped his arm around me any chance he could. I am not used to having my heart jump into something before my head can shut it down. I have to just let go and whatever will be will just have to be! In the meantime, a drink date with London+ a tentative appointment with my fuck buddy+ my brazilian wax next week= the perfect combo to keep my mind off of love.

And she's back....the Aries I remember......

*Aries*