Street RAGE

There is one thing all New Yorkers can relate to- Street Rage. It is our version of road rage, only there are not thousands of pounds of steel separating us. Every movie and TV show seems to edit or glamorize this side of New York. Carrie Bradshaw seems to glide down empty streets or walk in happy unison with the paid extras walking around her. Scorpio and I live in the unedited version of New York, which in reality isn't always so fabulous.

This relates back to a previous post where we described our look, complete with bitch face, i-pod, and massive sunglasses.

This epsiode started with a faceoff. I was making my way through the main subway hub in Times Square, which in morning rush hour looks like someone just dumped a bag of marbles on a slick surface and watched them collide in chaos. There are so many people moving in every direction, I often wonder how I actually make it out of the station at all! I happened to turn a corner at the exact same time as this poor excuse for a man. Instead of colliding, we both just stopped. Now, normally the man, even woman would move out of the way and continue on. This man just stood there with a glare like I have never seen. He was challenging me, so I stood there staring him down through my dark Raybans. Then, I stepped back and in a grand gesture, motioned for him to walk in front of me. In my head, I was saying "after you your fucking highness". He just stood there glaring at me! So I stood even taller and glared right back until I yelled "really!?" and walked away.

At 5:30pm, I was summoned back to the office after having a biopsy at the Dermo, so already not in a fabulous mood, when I had to get on the 6 train. This dreaded train is always jammed full of smelly commuters and sure enough it was no different. I was racing against the clock to make it to the most amazing ass toning class at the gym before hitting the town with some of my favorite fashionistas. It is really annoying that I have only made it to this miraculous fat melting class twice! (I mean it starts at 7pm and I can still not get out of the office in time.)

I raced out of Grand Central and people started to part like the Red Sea, so my bitch face must have been working. In my eyes, nobody was safe...kids...pregos....elderly. I was in a warped speed strut, so if you stepped in the way I wasn't slowing down. I was weaving around thousands of people and somehow this obnoxious frat boy, who was loudly discussing his evening plans right in my ear, always ended up behind me. No matter how fast I fled from him, he was there chatting away at each crosswalk. I finally get into the office at 5:45pm and made the completely unnecessary phone calls until 6:30pm. At this point, I could still make my class. I decided to take the F train, as the 1 train is worse than the 6 train. I made my way underground and jumped on the express train only to hear that all express trains are not moving due to a breakdown at West 4th. So I pushed my way to the other side of the platform for the local as the mob of commuters continued to swell. I wait....tick tock....tick tock....tick tock. Fuck it! I literally ran up the stairs and walked into every New Yorkers worst nightmare, Times Square. You just know that your patience will be challenged by naive tourists who stop suddenly without warning or walk as a family chain across the entire sidewalk.

I ran down more stairs to the 1 train. Now it was 6:45pm and I could still just make the class. As I caught my breathe, I noticed that there are a lot of people, in my way, and no trains. A message crackled on the intercom and stated that all 1 trains are delayed due to a breakdown on 50th street. Come on!! I moved to the express train platform among the masses. I was surrounded by extra large business men who boxed me out when the 2 train finally arrived. I was just starting to calm down when the train stops and a tourist literally bear hugs me from behind because in his ignorance he didn't know how to hold on. I gave him the look and didn't correct their confusion when they got off at the next stop. Another mob of people got on and this guy put his entire arm in my face as he tried to hold the rail from behind me. I was annoyed, but didn't really mind until he released his grip and elbowed me right in the soft tissue between your neck and shoulder. I looked at him expecting an apology and he just looked at me and looked away. I wanted to scream "Hello!! Yes, you did just elbow me motherfucker!" Then I found myself squeezed between two gabbing women and a man that smelled like a supersized McDonalds fries. Gross! I switched to Bob Marley, my go to rescue from street rage, and stared off into a bad subway advertisement. I tried to block out the loud chatting, the foul odors, and the woman who kept moving her hand to touch mine on the rail. (If you do not live in New York, you have no idea how annoying this is! It is just as annoying as the person in front of you who keeps slowly walking sideways in whichever direction you try to weave around them.) Again, I reached a state of calm as I ironically listened to "Rat Race" on my ipod, when this group of three thugs forced themselves off the subway with their body weight. In this process, I was of course shoved into the rail as I cursed the mothers of northern men who seem to have forgotten to teach their sons basic manners.

As I finally walked back above ground I realized it was 7pm. My class just started and I was still blocks away from my apartment. I gave up hope and decided to decompress with candy corn, red wine, and an episode of Rachel Zoe. I later released the rest of the rage by laughing hysterically with friends and drinking every type of alcohol for the next 5 hours.

*Aries*