Out of Reach

Boooo. Wrong decision! The text flashed on my phone around midnight on Thursday. I was out with my girlfriends, and Johan had just requested my presence at his apartment – immediately. Given the hour and the amount of alcohol we’d both had, I declined. His rather mature response followed.

Friday night, I’m home nursing a mean hangover when I get a series of increasingly dirty texts from my ex – everything from reminiscing about our past to begging me to come over. I decline, to which he says, “I know, I know, I need a cold shower.”

Saturday, Aries and I head over to Anthony’s pool party. (Anthony & I used to be fuck buddies, but now have decided to stay friends.) While he assured me he would control himself over the phone, in person it’s blatantly obvious that he has no intention of doing so. After pulling me in for a very long hug, we all go up to the pool where he proceeds to make various complimentary observations about my body. I would be lying if I said a part of me didn’t enjoy the attention, but I also felt fucking guilty.

Sunday evening, I’m out at a local bar with a few girlfriends when I run into Daniel, a guy I very briefly dated. He tells me I look fantastic, invites me to several events, and at one point makes a joke that he’ll only date models who attend Ivy League institutions while pointedly looking at me. I laugh nervously.

All of these men know about Jason – they know how serious we are, they know we’re planning to spend the summer together in Europe, they know he’s currently there. Given my history of not-always-being-totally-faithful-when-out-of-the-country, it kinda feels like the universe is testing me, in a major way. The difference is, with the guys I cheated on in the past, I always knew they were temporary. Jason is real, and (though I hate to admit this over the interwebs) for keeps. Like, forever, if he’ll have me. I just know.

But, he’s also worlds away. The time zone difference is killing us. I’m still at work when he’s going to sleep, so we’re forced to have our intimate conversations within earshot of my intern. It’s only been seven days; I still have more than double that time left to go. I didn’t think it would be this hard. I didn’t think the temptations would be this great. I know these guys are hitting on me because I’m taken & he’s out of town. I get it. Everyone wants what they can’t have… I guess including me. I’ve found myself debating on the subway –Can I get away with it? (yes) Can I live with myself? (no) Why do I want to do this, do I just crave the attention? (yes) Am I afraid Jason is the last person I'll sleep with? (yes...and no)

It’s been torture. So, on Sunday, when Jason and I videochatted, I could barely look in his eyes, I felt so much shame. How could I even be tempted? What is wrong with me?! So I took a chance and told Jason. I told him it had been a rough weekend because I kept bumping into guys I knew, who knew about him, and who would not stop hitting on me. I told him I felt guilty because I liked the attention. I told him I felt lost and I was scared that 18 more days was too many. And then I waited for him to flip out, ask me detailed questions about each guy, and accuse me of being a bad girlfriend.

That never came. Instead he listened and told me that sometimes, when we’re forced to be apart from our significant others, it can unveil weaknesses in ourselves that were previously tended to by the boyfriend. For example, I love the positive attention I get from Jason for both my looks and my personality; I enjoy the validation. Absent that, I’m finding it elsewhere. He told me this was a time for us both to become a little stronger, and he said he had faith in me.

Now, I just need to have faith in myself.

*scorpio*