Under Pressure

Last weekend, Jason & I housesat for his friends. We were excited to spend time with their puppy, Petey... how naive we were. The dog was so badly behaved it was maddening. He wouldn't stop moving and barking and licking and begging for attention. We did everything we could think of - walking, feeding, playing. Nothing sated the little monster. On top of that, while Jason and I were finally getting our groove on in the bedroom, we put Petey in the living room. Just as I was getting into it, I heard the damn dog bark. I tried to ignore it but the barks became more insistent and we had to stop. Jason and I lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling, hypothosizing what could be wrong with Petey. I had this flash - OMG this feels like what it would be like to raise a child! It was all too real.

The miasma of panic stayed with me through the week. I did the mental math - we'd only been offically together for a month. ONE MONTH. And he's talking about going to Europe with me this summer, and what are August plans are, and whether he should live part-time with me next year while I'm at school. I felt like the world was closing in. Just one month ago, I was dating tons of people, going out all the time and feeling free. Now I feel all of this pressure.

Jason called last night. My roommate is going to be out of town this next week and I'm looking forward to having the place to myself. I casually mentioned this to Jason and he suggested, without missing a beat, that he come and stay with me in my apartment for the week. A whole week of me getting up and going to work and trying to work out and meeting friends all while having him there, writing his dissertation and cooking. It just Freaked Me Out.

I'm the type of girl who's gone entire relationships without letting the guy see my place. I like my space. I like my alone time. I'm not ready to be showing my post-workout side or my coming-home-buzzed side. I don't want him asking what I'm doing that night. I don't want the obligation of telling someone where I am. Baby steps, for goddsakes. It's only been a month! In my last relationship, we didn't even see each other sober for almost three months. This is warp speed for me.

Of course, the great thing about Jason is that I can talk to him about this stuff. So we talked about how I feel like we're moving too fast and perhaps we shouldn't be talking about the future so much. I even told him that if we weren't long distance, he wouldn't even know my address yet. I think he understood. We'll see how it goes this weekend.

The funny thing is- and he concurred- we both freak out when we're not together and I build up my walls and he overanalyzes, but then when we see each other everything is perfect- like, truly wonderful.

But let's not get too excited.
*scorpio*