Who am I am what has happened to the Aries I have come to know for the past 6 years?
I am finding myself holding my new man's hand with both hands....without even realizing it??! I can't go one second without wanting to be next to him, in his arms, holding his hand, kissing him, protecting him, helping him.....whatever. I feel like I did with my first serious boyfriend, back at 17 years old, before my innocence about the world was crushed by the many men who followed.
I was just starting to believe this new relationship could really be progressing the old fashioned way. He invited me to a black tie event for our third date and introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend. The next morning he had to leave early to catch a flight for a long weekend getaway. We BBM'd all day for four days. He told me how much I meant to him and how much he missed me. He flew back a day early and met me after my birthday celebration. Two nights later, we went to an amazing concert to raise money for Japan. Our bodies did not stop touching the entire night. He held me in both arms and rested his head on mine throughout the many musical sets. We had a private table, dim candlelight, and close to 2 bottles of wine, (aka....my perfect moment to let him know how I felt about him).
I don't remember how the moment started, but after I melted the very tip of the iceberg of my emotions he shut me down. I finished and can only recall certain phrases that he said "From our first date you told me you were leaving", "I think we should just continue to get to know each other as people", and "you never know what could happen in a year". I could feel my eyes, smile, and heart fall all at the same time. I excused myself and went to the bathroom for a pep talk. I stared at my reflection and thought "this is why you should keep a heart of steel". I took a deep breathe and walked back trying to adjust a fake smile. He knew something was horribly wrong, but I wouldn't admit to any pain. The rest of the night was tense and sleepless. I was on the very edge of my bed folded in the fetal position. It took me all of the next day to process my thoughts. I realized I still had to hold on tight to my fuck buddy and fun dates with London. I had to put the leash back on my over anxious heart.
We met for drinks the next night and I apologized for just shutting down and reassured him and myself that I put my feelings in check. We kissed, made up, and made love for the first time. My feelings were successfully locked in a cage somewhere deep inside.
Cut to the wedding table with his entire family.....
Both of us had a major buzz of vodkas and Long Island iced teas. I mentioned that "if I am still seeing you in July, you should come home with me."
He looked at me in shock and replied "why would we not still be seeing each other?"
My uncensored answer: "Because I am half in this."
Again his face twitched in shock as he replied: "What?"
Aries: "I am half in this because you are half in this. Remember our conversation at the concert?"
He basically admitted that he didn't know what to say and didn't want to get his heartbroken. I then told him what he didn't hear apparently, which made his face change again with happiness. I realized that I was having this loud, drunk conversation with him in front of his entire family and ended it.
The next day, we both acted like two people in a relationship for the long haul. I was holding his one hand with both of mine and he wrapped his arm around me any chance he could. I am not used to having my heart jump into something before my head can shut it down. I have to just let go and whatever will be will just have to be! In the meantime, a drink date with London+ a tentative appointment with my fuck buddy+ my brazilian wax next week= the perfect combo to keep my mind off of love.
And she's back....the Aries I remember......
*Aries*
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