When it rains, it pours...

So many of our ex boyfriends/ old flames have been popping out of the woodwork lately. Must be the heat...

ARIES:
"P" [6:25PM]: Just thought of it... Remember the day you ran into me and {my new fiancee who shares your name}, and I called you right after you left to tell you we got engaged? It was kinda awkward, right?

ARIES [6:40PM]: I thought it was hilarious! Why didn't you tell me when I was right in front of you?? That was sooo long ago, what made you think of that?

"P" [6:45PM]: I needed to call because she thought I was hiding the engagement from you.

ARIES [thinking]: It's obviously because she could sense that you're not genuine. After all, you practically proposed to me one month prior!


-same day, different guy-

"J" [9:19PM]: Hey, how are you?

Aries is busy making out and being serenaded on the Westside Highway

ARIES [10:55PM]: Sorry, who is this?

"J" [10:58PM]: It's [me], I poked you with skewers at The Jane.

"J" [11:44PM]: Do you wanna hang out?

ARIES [11:50PM]: I am trying to remember who you are... I haven't been to Jane Hotel in ages.

"J" [11:51PM]: We made out on your roof! I had to leave town for a film...

ARIES [12:04AM]: Crazy, surprised to hear from you now. Hope filming went well.

"J" [12:08AM]: It actually was canceled. I've been good, though.

ARIES: ...

*Needless to say, I didn't respond. I'm a little too wise to fall for the desperate-booty-text move.


SCORPIO:
Background- my abusive ex-boyfriend from college sends me a Facebook message. The last time we interacted, I was 19 years old. I had already moved out of our apartment but returned- during his workday- to pick up my final presentation (ironically, for my Feminist Film class). He came home early and tried to physically prevent me from getting my final and leaving. A former boxer, he was a formidable opponent but I managed to (barely) land a right hook after three attempts. I surprised him enough that he hesitated and I managed to run out of the apartment -final in hand! I returned to the safety of my college campus, and never saw him again...

Six Years Later:
"SCORPIO, I believe we could be friends- what we had... is gone but u [sic] will always hold a special place in my heart. I believe our love was truly authentic (tho [sic] dysfunctional)- I'm glad ur [sic] in NYC and happy- Cheers, Jon"

I just about died laughing as I recounted this message to my BFF (who was intimately familiar with the relationship) Hilariously, when he sent me the friend request a week prior, his profile photo was of him with a blonde in a bikini top. When he sent me the emotional email, it was of him... shirtless... flexing.

Sigh. Obviously I had horrifying taste in men at age 19, but do I really need to be reminded of my dismal dating choices all these years later?

Two words: Fucking Facebook!