Candelight Vigil

On Sunday, Aries and I met on the West End for a Candelight Vigil with SAVI. The Vigil was to honor anyone who'd been a victim of a crime. The service was beautiful, and multi-faith. And the choir was super inspiring and soulful. Survivors came up to speak about their experiences. One woman had been injured while standing on a street corner. A man made an illegal U-turn, prompting a taxi to spin out of control and pin the pedestrian to the fire hydrant. Her leg was amputated. Scary stuff, huh?

Others had lost children to crime, which was heartbreaking. No parent should outlive their child.

While all the survivors stories were inspiring and touching, and their strength moving... there was one woman who stood out. She was tiny, with flame red hair and a booming voice. She had been on the subway at rush hour last September, when a man exposed himself to her. Rather than shy away and try to ignore it, she took action. In a loud voice, she informed the car what the man was doing. She asked that her fellow passengers take photos of him to assist with arrest. She made HIM feel embarassed rather than feeling shamed herself (as so many sexual assaults unfairly do make the surivior feel shame). She really flipped the power dynamic. As soon as the subway car stopped, he was promptly arrested. She testified in court, he was convicted to probabtion and deported. For the rest of his life, he will have to file as a sex offender.

The funny thing is, the bystanders didn't just take photos. Someone also videotaped her laying the smack-down to the offender. The video went viral online, and thousands of women wrote in thanking her for her courage and telling their own stories.

Amazing how one little person can change things, huh?

*scorpio*

Worlds Apart

I was called to Elmhurst hospital last night around 7:45pm for a SAVI case. This one was interesting because she felt extremely sexually violated by a group of females. I can't go into specifics, but I unknowingly stepped into a criminal web so extensive that she was cuffed to the hospital bed and guarded by two officers. I was getting three different stories from the social worker, police officers, and survivor.

My initial meeting with the survivor was warm, emotional, and desperate. Her demeanor shifted to hatred and anger once she learned I could legally not help with her request. At first, I was sympathetic and pushed my help on her. When I realized that was not working I started to become irritated. I could think of at least ten other fun things I could be doing with my time as it was a Saturday night during Fashion Week. I stood by the bed watching her sob with her back to me and thought, I should just leave. I was learning more and more about the case against her and didn't understand why SAVI was even involved.

Then I remembered the SAVI training sessions. Sometimes you have to take a step back and let the survivor grieve in silence. You also have to remove all of the external circumstances of the case and focus on the emotional state of the survivor. So I took a breathe and told her I would wait on the other side of the curtain to make sure the doctor would examine her. I told her I was leaving a card with SAVI's number on her bed and hoped she would contact them for her own recovery. The first two hours were tense and my only saving grace was the sweet correctional officer who could not believe I work these cases voluntarily.

As the third hour approached I realized there was a shift in the survivor's attitude towards me. She was more accepting of my presence and began to open up about what happened (an edited version of what the police told me). I could see the experience was really upsetting to her, so I chose to only focus on making her feel better. I shifted the conversation to her family, which led to silly conversations about life and TV shows. We share a love for A&E and Bravo reality shows. We actually started quizzing each other on past episodes and laughed like old friends wasting time. We are both turning 29 soon and share similar astrological signs, yet our life paths could not be more different. Life is funny in that way. We truly exist in different worlds, yet have so much in common at the same time.

By the fourth hour she kept apologizing for how she treated me in the beginning. She thanked me for standing by her even when she did her best to push me away. She said I reminded her of her best friends and was so happy that I was with her. At one point I was talking to one of the officers on guard, while her partner was talking to the survivor. Suddenly, the survivor yelled "Hey, Aries is my friend you can have your partner back. I want Aries back over by me!" We all looked at each other and started laughing. It was so odd yet wonderful having that moment.

Everything in the hospital was constantly delayed, but the other officers eventually came and took the survivor away in shackles. It was almost as if the parents came home and interrupted our small party. I was so thankful that the atmosphere had become so much lighter than when I had first arrived. We said our goodbyes and knew our paths would not cross again. I hope I will at least be a good memory for her. I hold on to her words when she told me that I reminded her that there are still genuinely good human beings out there.

You never know what or who life will bring into your path. Scorpio and I continue to learn so much about ourselves, others, and life in general through SAVI.

*Aries*

Gender bias

On Monday night, I was on-call with SAVI. While I can't go into specifics, I will say that it was a different challenge, since the survivor was a man.

I was initally nervous that he would be angry or ashamed - since female to male violence is more rare. I couldn't have been more wrong. He was such a sweet and mild-mannered man, and he seemed genuinely glad to have me there.

At one point he asked, "Is this a serious crime? When the police came I thought they were going to arrest me since it's usually the man."

I explained that it is definitely a serious crime because no human should be treated that way, and he had the same rights as a female. At that point, I felt foolish for having been nervous - just as I had told him, the gender doesn't matter.

*scorpio*

Begining, again

Last night was my first night on call with SAVI. My phone rang at 9 pm and by 10 pm I was sitting in Queens Hospital on an interpersonal violence case. While I cannot go into specifics about the circumstances, I will say that the five hours I spent with the survivor were eye-opening. I wasn't nervous to meet her, surprisingly. I was just anxious to start helping. She was such a strong and smart woman with a great safety plan and incredible emotional clarity. We spent time talking about everything she'd accomplished so far, so that she could see how capable she is. We talked about the myth of femininity, in that women are conditioned to be submissive and 'nice' and how that may not be the best thing. We talked about her goals, and how she was going to accomplish them.

At one point she said she felt like a cliche. She was like, "I can hear myself saying these things and it sounds like a movie." I explained to her that physically abusive men manifest their controlling behavior in a few specific ways, that it's totally normal, and that it has nothing to do with her. A survivor never sees that initial stages of abuse and control, it slowly increases over time. It's not her fault that this happened to her. Economic abuse is one facet - the man will control the woman's money to the point where she has no autonomy. Isolation is another, she lost contact with her family for over a year. The great thing is, she's so excited to get back to being who she was and doing the things that make her happy. She writes great poetry - something she gave up in the relationship, and she's looking forward to discovering what makes her happy again.

When she walked out of the hospital she had a smile on her face and hope in her heart. She had pressed charges against him, she was returning to their shared apartment with friends to remove her things and she's already rented an apartment upstate.

Her entire face lit up when she talked about what it would be like to be able to go out and take a walk and feel the breeze through her hands. She said, "I'm a free spirit and I just want to feel free again."

I believe she will.

*scorpio*

SAVI

Every hour 75 women in the United States will be raped.......

This is why an organization called SAVI (Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention) is so important. They offer support, advice, options, counseling, and advocates to women and men at their most vulnerable.

Today, we "graduated" as advocates after 40 hours of intense training. We are on the front lines of all sexual assault and Intimate Partner Violence cases that are admitted to New York City area hospitals. It is an incredible human responsibility to help others at at such a raw and vunlnerable time in their lives. We were educated in legal, medical, emotional, technical, psychological, and physical issues that arise in the survivor's life. We have to be mindful of the minute details of both ourselves and the survivors, which can include tone of voice, facial expressions, vocabulary, and physical movements. Every step we take and word we speak can have a dramatic impact on the survivor, which is why this training has been so grueling. We also have to give our full support to the survivor, knowing they will most likely drop charges & return to their abusers.

Here are some unsettling facts:

*1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will experience sexual assault in their lifetime
*more than 80% of rapes are committed by someone the survivor knows
*alcohol is the leading drug that is involved in Sexual Assault cases
*until 1993, it was impossible to rape your wife. She was your property. There was no such thing as martial rape.
*the traditional wedding vows were stated in the trade of women as property to a male
*on average it takes 7 tries before a survivor leaves their abuser
*victims of domestic violence are 80% more likely to be murdered by their lover in the 6 months following their escape

If you would like more information please email us or check out the following link:
http://www.mountsinai.org/patient-care/service-areas/community-medicine/areas-of-care/sexual-assault-and-violence-intervention-program

If you or someone you know is struggling with trauma following a sexual attack:Safe Horizon's Rape, Sexual Assault & Incest Hotline 212.227.3000
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence: Safe Horizon's Domestic Violence Hotline 800.621.HOPE (4673)
*all phone calls can be both anonymous and confidential*

Tonight we celebrate Halloween and our graduation with prosecco and candy corn. We hope everyone has a safe night!