Riddle

Last night, my fuck buddy told me he loved me

Jason has yet to do so.

*scorpio*
Photo of artwork purchased by me on Etsy.

Out of Reach

Boooo. Wrong decision! The text flashed on my phone around midnight on Thursday. I was out with my girlfriends, and Johan had just requested my presence at his apartment – immediately. Given the hour and the amount of alcohol we’d both had, I declined. His rather mature response followed.

Friday night, I’m home nursing a mean hangover when I get a series of increasingly dirty texts from my ex – everything from reminiscing about our past to begging me to come over. I decline, to which he says, “I know, I know, I need a cold shower.”

Saturday, Aries and I head over to Anthony’s pool party. (Anthony & I used to be fuck buddies, but now have decided to stay friends.) While he assured me he would control himself over the phone, in person it’s blatantly obvious that he has no intention of doing so. After pulling me in for a very long hug, we all go up to the pool where he proceeds to make various complimentary observations about my body. I would be lying if I said a part of me didn’t enjoy the attention, but I also felt fucking guilty.

Sunday evening, I’m out at a local bar with a few girlfriends when I run into Daniel, a guy I very briefly dated. He tells me I look fantastic, invites me to several events, and at one point makes a joke that he’ll only date models who attend Ivy League institutions while pointedly looking at me. I laugh nervously.

All of these men know about Jason – they know how serious we are, they know we’re planning to spend the summer together in Europe, they know he’s currently there. Given my history of not-always-being-totally-faithful-when-out-of-the-country, it kinda feels like the universe is testing me, in a major way. The difference is, with the guys I cheated on in the past, I always knew they were temporary. Jason is real, and (though I hate to admit this over the interwebs) for keeps. Like, forever, if he’ll have me. I just know.

But, he’s also worlds away. The time zone difference is killing us. I’m still at work when he’s going to sleep, so we’re forced to have our intimate conversations within earshot of my intern. It’s only been seven days; I still have more than double that time left to go. I didn’t think it would be this hard. I didn’t think the temptations would be this great. I know these guys are hitting on me because I’m taken & he’s out of town. I get it. Everyone wants what they can’t have… I guess including me. I’ve found myself debating on the subway –Can I get away with it? (yes) Can I live with myself? (no) Why do I want to do this, do I just crave the attention? (yes) Am I afraid Jason is the last person I'll sleep with? (yes...and no)

It’s been torture. So, on Sunday, when Jason and I videochatted, I could barely look in his eyes, I felt so much shame. How could I even be tempted? What is wrong with me?! So I took a chance and told Jason. I told him it had been a rough weekend because I kept bumping into guys I knew, who knew about him, and who would not stop hitting on me. I told him I felt guilty because I liked the attention. I told him I felt lost and I was scared that 18 more days was too many. And then I waited for him to flip out, ask me detailed questions about each guy, and accuse me of being a bad girlfriend.

That never came. Instead he listened and told me that sometimes, when we’re forced to be apart from our significant others, it can unveil weaknesses in ourselves that were previously tended to by the boyfriend. For example, I love the positive attention I get from Jason for both my looks and my personality; I enjoy the validation. Absent that, I’m finding it elsewhere. He told me this was a time for us both to become a little stronger, and he said he had faith in me.

Now, I just need to have faith in myself.

*scorpio*

Forbidden Fruit

Ever want what you can't have?

Mind Fucked

Yesterday my old fuck buddy called me. We knew each other for a year, and I reluctantly ended things with him once I became serious with Jason. I say reluctantly only because it was the greatest casual relationship ever. We treated each other well, calling occasionally just to chat, and he was always respectful. Plus, the sex was insane. I actually had to have my best friend on the other phone with me while I ended things with him, for moral support. As much as people say that women can’t have sex without feelings – I disagree. And I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. He and I would have a great time together and then I would go about my life, not really thinking about him for a week at a time. It was empowering, it was freeing, it was a release. I have no regrets.

When he called, we caught up a bit. It’s been a few months since we talked and it was nice to hear how he was doing. But then the conversation took an unanticipated turn. We were talking about my boyfriend and our summer plans, when he interrupted.

“You know, with us, it was just timing. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. It doesn’t surprise me that a guy locked you down. You’re such a great girl… I know I’m going to regret losing you. I kind of already do.”

I was speechless. Where was this coming from?? It isn’t often that you have a casual sex relationship with a man that leads to HIM wanting more. I was always 100% satisfied with the nature of our relationship, but I had noticed he had dropped hints about wanting more. I just ignored them, thinking nothing of it.

I had dinner with my girlfriends last night at Waverly Inn and we were discussing the exchange. We all burst out laughing at the irony of it - men only want more when you don’t care. On top of that, we realized it always takes men a few months to resurface. Women have more of an on/off switch. Men seem to secretly pine.

On the phone, he asked me for a lunch, somewhere public. He promised that from now on, we were just friends & he would control himself, so I agreed. I mentioned I have a bit of a tall, blonde panoply of girlfriends, and he told me that a lot of his fun-loving Aussie boys are now in the city. We made a plan to have a big, fun, platonic night out. Well, he & I will be friends… it remains to be seen what happens between our groups.

I ask you – can fuck buddies be friends? Or am I playing with fire?

*scorpio*