The Carlyle, Dah-ling

Saturday afternoon found me poolside at The Carlyle. Jason's family just moved in & they invited me over for lunch & a swim. May I remind you that Jason is still in Italy - so I was hanging out with his parents & sister all day.



It was just what I needed.

*scorpio*

Out of Reach

Boooo. Wrong decision! The text flashed on my phone around midnight on Thursday. I was out with my girlfriends, and Johan had just requested my presence at his apartment – immediately. Given the hour and the amount of alcohol we’d both had, I declined. His rather mature response followed.

Friday night, I’m home nursing a mean hangover when I get a series of increasingly dirty texts from my ex – everything from reminiscing about our past to begging me to come over. I decline, to which he says, “I know, I know, I need a cold shower.”

Saturday, Aries and I head over to Anthony’s pool party. (Anthony & I used to be fuck buddies, but now have decided to stay friends.) While he assured me he would control himself over the phone, in person it’s blatantly obvious that he has no intention of doing so. After pulling me in for a very long hug, we all go up to the pool where he proceeds to make various complimentary observations about my body. I would be lying if I said a part of me didn’t enjoy the attention, but I also felt fucking guilty.

Sunday evening, I’m out at a local bar with a few girlfriends when I run into Daniel, a guy I very briefly dated. He tells me I look fantastic, invites me to several events, and at one point makes a joke that he’ll only date models who attend Ivy League institutions while pointedly looking at me. I laugh nervously.

All of these men know about Jason – they know how serious we are, they know we’re planning to spend the summer together in Europe, they know he’s currently there. Given my history of not-always-being-totally-faithful-when-out-of-the-country, it kinda feels like the universe is testing me, in a major way. The difference is, with the guys I cheated on in the past, I always knew they were temporary. Jason is real, and (though I hate to admit this over the interwebs) for keeps. Like, forever, if he’ll have me. I just know.

But, he’s also worlds away. The time zone difference is killing us. I’m still at work when he’s going to sleep, so we’re forced to have our intimate conversations within earshot of my intern. It’s only been seven days; I still have more than double that time left to go. I didn’t think it would be this hard. I didn’t think the temptations would be this great. I know these guys are hitting on me because I’m taken & he’s out of town. I get it. Everyone wants what they can’t have… I guess including me. I’ve found myself debating on the subway –Can I get away with it? (yes) Can I live with myself? (no) Why do I want to do this, do I just crave the attention? (yes) Am I afraid Jason is the last person I'll sleep with? (yes...and no)

It’s been torture. So, on Sunday, when Jason and I videochatted, I could barely look in his eyes, I felt so much shame. How could I even be tempted? What is wrong with me?! So I took a chance and told Jason. I told him it had been a rough weekend because I kept bumping into guys I knew, who knew about him, and who would not stop hitting on me. I told him I felt guilty because I liked the attention. I told him I felt lost and I was scared that 18 more days was too many. And then I waited for him to flip out, ask me detailed questions about each guy, and accuse me of being a bad girlfriend.

That never came. Instead he listened and told me that sometimes, when we’re forced to be apart from our significant others, it can unveil weaknesses in ourselves that were previously tended to by the boyfriend. For example, I love the positive attention I get from Jason for both my looks and my personality; I enjoy the validation. Absent that, I’m finding it elsewhere. He told me this was a time for us both to become a little stronger, and he said he had faith in me.

Now, I just need to have faith in myself.

*scorpio*

On Fear

Abridged from Jonathan Franzen's commencement speech at Kenyon College:

My friend Alice Sebold likes to talk about “getting down in the pit and loving somebody.” She has in mind the dirt that love inevitably splatters on the mirror of our self-regard.

The simple fact of the matter is that trying to be perfectly likable is incompatible with loving relationships. Sooner or later, for example, you’re going to find yourself in a hideous, screaming fight, and you’ll hear coming out of your mouth things that you yourself don’t like at all, things that shatter your self-image as a fair, kind, cool, attractive, in-control, funny, likable person. Something realer than likability has come out in you, and suddenly you’re having an actual life.
This is not to say that love is only about fighting. Love is about bottomless empathy, born out of the heart’s revelation that another person is every bit as real as you are. And this is why love, as I understand it, is always specific. To love a specific person, and to identify with his or her struggles and joys as if they were your own, you have to surrender some of your self.

The big risk here, of course, is rejection. We can all handle being disliked now and then, because there’s such an infinitely big pool of potential likers. But to expose your whole self, not just the likable surface, and to have it rejected, can be catastrophically painful. The prospect of pain generally, the pain of loss, of breakup, of death, is what makes it so tempting to avoid love and stay safely in the world of liking.

And yet pain hurts but it doesn’t kill. When you consider the alternative — an anesthetized dream of self-sufficiency, abetted by technology — pain emerges as the natural product and natural indicator of being alive in a resistant world. To go through a life painlessly is to have not lived. Even just to say to yourself, “Oh, I’ll get to that love and pain stuff later, maybe in my 30s” is to consign yourself to 10 years of merely taking up space on the planet and burning up its resources.
When you stay in your room and rage or sneer or shrug your shoulders, as I did for many years, the world and its problems are impossibly daunting. But when you go out and put yourself in real relation to real people, there’s a very real danger that you might love some of them.

And who knows what might happen to you then?


Jason leaves for Italy tomorrow. It occurs to me that this epic summer we have planned - both together and apart - will either make us or break us. He & I will spend 25 days apart while he's launching the Rome leg of his company. The most we've spent apart since we've met is 5 days. It's starting to get to that annoying point where even two days feels like a long time. I hate this point because I know what's coming...

Crippling co-dependancy. Loss of control. Fear. Pain.




Some people call it love, too.

*scorpio*

Stranger Danger

On Sunday night, I was leaving my apartment with my boyfriend & best friend to see Bridesmaids. As we rounded the stairs, I saw a delivery guy on the landing. He was staring up at me with this really creepy look. I averted my eyes and kept moving down the stairs. He said, "Kristen?" I kept walking as I am not Kristen nor do I know one in the building.

Outside, Jason told me that ignoring the creepy man in my building was rude. Now, seeing as Jason has lived in the bucolic, mild-mannered town of Princeton for the past five years, I decided to educate him. "Dear, it's generally my policy not to engage with skeevy strangers in my stairwell," I said, "as both a woman and a New Yorker, you're going to have to trust me."

I wish that were the end of the conversation. Jason said it upset him to see me being rude as I was such a warm, loving person. I said, "Do you really want me to be warm and loving with strange men!?"

And then he did something totally out of the ordinary - he pouted. He pouted all the way to the movie theater, in front of my best friend. It was quite strenuous for me to carry the conversation and attempt to work around his mood. Finally, midway through the movie, he gave me a squeeze.

After the film, my best friend (wisely) departed, and Jason and I made our way home. The first thing out of his mouth: I'm sorry I called you rude.

Thank you!

I explained to him that I don't want to have the type of relationship where we correct each other's behavior. We are two individuals, operating in two separate spheres, and we can't attempt to control one another's actions. I'm going to act in a manner that makes me feel comfortable as a single woman living in Manhattan. He's going to need to understand that - especially as I am moving UP UPtown in a few months to an area that is decidedly less safe. Excuse me if I don't embrace the random men who call out women's names as I pass.

This also makes me a bit nervous for Italy. The last time I was there, I was sixteen. While packed on a bus in Rome, an old man shoved his hand up my shorts and into my underwear. To say I have misgivings about going back to Rome is an understatement. I've mollified myself with the knowledge that I am a seasoned New Yorker now, and I can take care of myself. I don't know how I'll react if Jason isn't supportive of the lengths I take for a feeling of security.

While Jason feels better after talking with me, I'm still a bit peeved. He brought it up again this morning. That makes the third time we've discussed this in as many days. I knew dating the son of therapists would have it's special challenges, but this feels a bit excessive. It feels as if he's undermining my intelligence and experience level. Why not trust my actions and give me the benefit of the doubt?

I called the one woman I knew would understand - my mother. She was a model in the city when she was a bit younger than me, and when she was my age, she put her long, shiny blonde hair in a high ponytail on top of her head, and cut it off just below the elastic. She dyed it brown. Anything to stop the attentions of men, she said.

While I won't go to those extremes, I certainly dress in my version of armour. Only recently have I felt assertive enough to wear sweeter pieces. I don't want that power subverted by my boyfriend's idea of 'manners'.

My mother said to tell him, "Pretty women have walls. They have to."

I hope he understands - because I won't say it again.

*scorpio*

Risk

“Hey honey bunny, can’t wait to see you!”

The text almost made me vomit in my mouth. It was Tuesday, our mid-week date night. I was rushing home after a long day of mollifying my landlord & the board with the promise that my dog would be delivered back to my mother’s house that day. I unlocked the door to my now quiet, puppy-less and empty apartment and sighed. I was trying very hard to not be annoyed with the text message, but I loathe pet names, and this new one was particularly vile. Only moments before, I was thrilled to see Jason. I surprised myself by how quickly my mood turned.

I was in the shower when he arrived, and I somehow managed to essentially ignore him while getting ready. We were due at my brother’s home in a few minutes to finish up the war game, RISK, that we’d started weeks earlier. As I rushed him to the subway, I realized we hadn’t even hugged hello yet.

On the subway platform, I turned to him, all big eyes and mournful mouth. “Hi.” I said.

In the car, we talked about why I had been acting so cold. I told him I missed my puppy, and explained that the pet name really freaked me out. He smiled and said he was being jokingly over-the-top. We both laughed. We were tenuously repaired.

There’s nothing like a game of warfare to fray an already strained evening. When Jason (who was essentially beaten) leaned over to counsel my brother on how to take over the entire world (he had the southern hemisphere; I the northern) I felt betrayal. How could he choose any side against me? I’m a bit of a poor loser and despite my best efforts I only barely kept it together. I went from jovial banter to veined politeness as I watched my brother rip through my armies.

Walking back to the subway, I attempted innocuous dialogue about the weather while my mind whirled. I was afraid – our relationship is so great that sometimes it terrifies me. I don’t want to lose him, but a part of me feels like I will (since I lose everyone) and so I sometimes push him away in an attempt to have control over something, anything. Conversely, I was now deeply afraid that he’d seen an unattractive side of me and he’d no longer want me. I was bracing myself for the breakup; telling myself that I couldn’t be perfect all the time and this relationship was too much pressure. It feels like a huge risk to be in something this great – there’s so much to lose.

And then, on the platform, he wordlessly pulled me in for a long, deep hug. Despite my best efforts, I started to cry a little bit. I hadn’t yet said a word when he whispered, “Baby, I love your flaws. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

It was like he had read my mind...I exhaled for what felt like the first time that night and relaxed into his embrace.


I can’t believe how lucky I am.

*scorpio*

The Long Game

My iPhone lit up on the bar where I was splitting a beer with my brother one lazy Friday night, and as he glanced down at the screen, his mouth fell open.

"What are you doing still talking to him?" my brother asked, incredulous.

"We're just casual friends now," I replied simply. The truth was, ever since I walked out of his apartment last December, I hadn't really given him much thought. As I walked out of his apartment for the last time, the slamming door echoed the sentiments of my heart. He'd revealed himself to be just as he always was, and it was just the wake-up call I needed to finally move on with my life (and, incidentally,find someone wonderful) No coincidence there, I think.

"But you can't be friends with an ex", he sputtered. "One person always wants more."

I vehamently disagreed - after all, I have managed to stay casual friends with almost all of my ex's. And I certainly didn't want them back.

Growing frustrated, my brother upbraided me for my ignorance. "It's called The Long Game, and he's playing it with you"

Suddenly, a random man at the bar interjected. "Oh, the long game... yep that's tough... my ex is doing that to me right now."

My brother explained. The Long Game is when an ex works slowly to reel you back in - my ex has sent me a bracelet from India to thank me for taking care of him after his accident, along with a very sweet note expressing a kindness I'd never seen while we were dating. Then there was the time he was emotionally vulnerable to me over email when cancelling our friendly lunch. He explained how he just wasn't ready due to some lingering depression over the accident. Again, far and away the most open and real email I'd ever received from him. He texts me a few times a week, and has mentioned we should get together again now that he's back at work.

I understand my brother's insistence that I be careful - he doesn't want me to fall back in with my ex, who was bad for me in spectacularly inumerable ways. But, I've never sent him a gift, I don't write cards, I barely remember to respond to his texts. The truth is, if it weren't for the accident and the crushing emotional blow that followed, I doubt we would have ever spoken again. It's a combination of sympathy and guilt that keeps us in touch.

Still, now that my brother has divulged this well-kept man secret, I can't help but notice it everywhere. Johan still texts me every few days, though we haven't seen each other since I became exclusive with Jason. He's proposed the idea of being friends a few times - but now I know better. My favorite fuck buddy just can't seem to stop checking in - I guess he's hoping I will soon be single. I can't really understand how men think this long game is actually going to be effective - if they knew anything about women they'd know you only get once chance per woman. They never seem to believe us or want to change until we're already gone... and now I know that even their 'changes' are all part of The Long Game.

Now that I know this, I can't believe I ever thought otherwise... Ladies, take heed.

*scorpio*

Annoyingly Perfect

When I was in college, I had this frenemy who was dating someone from another school. Everytime she was asked about the relationship, she would -annoyingly- say, "It's perfect!" This used to irk me to no end, because I had no idea what a perfect relationship was. I assumed she was lying to herself and everyone else. I mean, no drunken fights? No jealousy? No clingyness?

I've been avoiding posting about my relationship with Jason because... (drumroll, please) it's Perfect. Sigh.

This weekend, he met my mother & her fiancee and it was lovely. The four of us had dinner at La Lanturna on Thursday. We sat in front of the fire and shared wine and stories. Jason was a little nervous, but totally impressive nonetheless. When the waitress informed me that they didn't have the Buffula that I was drooling over on the menu, I recoiled. My mom & her fiancee both said later that they knew they liked him when, while I was suffering through my disappointment, he put his hand on my back and gave me a reassuring rub. They liked that he noticed my mood but didn't cater to it. (Gotta say, they're right on that one, though I'd never admit it!)

On Sunday, we all had brunch with my brother and his girlfriend. It was the first time the original three (mom, me, bro) had dined with all of our significant others. For lack of a better word, it was significant. We relaxed at Freeman's for two hours, chatting and laughing until we cried.

See? Annoyingly perfect.

*scorpio*

Falling In

A few weekends ago, Jason mentioned that one of his aunts has cancer and at best, a few months to live. He invited me to join him in visiting her that weekend, but I declined thinking it best to meet the family during a less stressful time.
Last weekend was supposed to be that time. He asked me to come upstate with him on Saturday and spend the day with his family. Sensing I probably couldn't get away with saying No twice, I agreed.

On the car ride up, he asked me if I was nervous. I thought about it and said, "No, not really." I guess he took that as a challenge.

"Ok, so you'll be meeting my aunt Pat and uncle Jim, older cousins Debbie and John, his son John, cousins Sandy and Dave, their children Joey and Jake. And of course, my mom and dad. Oh, and it was kind of Pat's dying wish to meet you. Don't be alarmed, she is not going to look good at all."

Of course, he saved this little speech for the driveway. I sat there, frozen. Visions of my grandmother's last days flashed through my head. I could not keep it together for her, how was I going to handle a stranger near death?

I said, "I hope you realize that you're asking a huge thing of me. At least I had the decency to dole out my family one member at a time! We are moving at warp speed here, it's only been a month!!" He just looked at me patiently, and said in a smooth voice, "You're going to be great - they'll love you."

I breathed.

"Ready?"

As we entered the house I was immediately put at ease. The place was lovely and his family seemed warm and kind. I helped myself to a drink and attempted to slow my heartbeat while I waited for his parent's & aunt's arrival. Soon the house was filled with people - probably 30 in all. It seems his cousins had invite the neighborhood. Considering my entire family is three people, I was a bit overwhelmed. Jason was great about staying with me and making me feel safe.

Once his aunt arrived, she asked to meet me. I was led into the room, a little nervous at what I might see. She actually looked great for her condition and I was instantly relieved. She took my hand in hers and talked to me for ten minutes. Her whole face lit up when she saw me, it was so sweet.

Later, Jason and I took a hike in the woods nearby. We ended up getting completely lost and had to run about a mile back along the highway looking for the car. It was so much fun. We made it back in time for dessert and a little chat with his parents.

I didn't get a chance to talk to his parents too much - it's kinda hard with 30 people to meet! I was a little nervous that I didn't do as well with them as I would've liked, but Jason later told me that his aunt said I was beautiful and had such a kind demeanor, and his mother said that I fit right in with the family.

Success!


This weekend, Jason's at bat. He's meeting my mother and her fiancee....I've saved the best (and most difficult) for last. My mother is quite hard to please. I probably won't tell him that until we're at the doorway, though!

*scorpio*

Under Pressure

Last weekend, Jason & I housesat for his friends. We were excited to spend time with their puppy, Petey... how naive we were. The dog was so badly behaved it was maddening. He wouldn't stop moving and barking and licking and begging for attention. We did everything we could think of - walking, feeding, playing. Nothing sated the little monster. On top of that, while Jason and I were finally getting our groove on in the bedroom, we put Petey in the living room. Just as I was getting into it, I heard the damn dog bark. I tried to ignore it but the barks became more insistent and we had to stop. Jason and I lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling, hypothosizing what could be wrong with Petey. I had this flash - OMG this feels like what it would be like to raise a child! It was all too real.

The miasma of panic stayed with me through the week. I did the mental math - we'd only been offically together for a month. ONE MONTH. And he's talking about going to Europe with me this summer, and what are August plans are, and whether he should live part-time with me next year while I'm at school. I felt like the world was closing in. Just one month ago, I was dating tons of people, going out all the time and feeling free. Now I feel all of this pressure.

Jason called last night. My roommate is going to be out of town this next week and I'm looking forward to having the place to myself. I casually mentioned this to Jason and he suggested, without missing a beat, that he come and stay with me in my apartment for the week. A whole week of me getting up and going to work and trying to work out and meeting friends all while having him there, writing his dissertation and cooking. It just Freaked Me Out.

I'm the type of girl who's gone entire relationships without letting the guy see my place. I like my space. I like my alone time. I'm not ready to be showing my post-workout side or my coming-home-buzzed side. I don't want him asking what I'm doing that night. I don't want the obligation of telling someone where I am. Baby steps, for goddsakes. It's only been a month! In my last relationship, we didn't even see each other sober for almost three months. This is warp speed for me.

Of course, the great thing about Jason is that I can talk to him about this stuff. So we talked about how I feel like we're moving too fast and perhaps we shouldn't be talking about the future so much. I even told him that if we weren't long distance, he wouldn't even know my address yet. I think he understood. We'll see how it goes this weekend.

The funny thing is- and he concurred- we both freak out when we're not together and I build up my walls and he overanalyzes, but then when we see each other everything is perfect- like, truly wonderful.

But let's not get too excited.
*scorpio*