The Heart Wants

Just because I have a boyfriend doesn't mean I've lost my dark humor. This morning I slipped into a figure hugging Dolce & Gabbana dress and cherry red Chanel shoes. Looking in the mirror, I realized it needed something. Black pearls from Morocco now rest on my collarbone; strangely comforting.

I've never been great at believing in love or happy endings, and the fact that my past two attempts at a relationship have ended with the guy fucking someone else have done little to nurture any remaining hope I have. I've been reluctant to tell people about my new relationship, fearing any words will somehow jinx it. It's a completely ridiculous fear, I realize, once I actually think about who it is I am dating. Jason is such a good, trustworthy person. It's made ending things with everyone else so much easier...

But, it feels like the universe is testing me; mightly.

Ending things with Martin, Mark, Joel, Luke, Daniel & Anthony was easy. Telling Jay we couldn't do lunch was painless. I had texted Johan on Wednesday morning, saying esentially that I was confused, and if he was waiting for me to text him, here I am. Wednesday came & went. Jason called me Wednesday night and we had a long conversation where he asked me to stop dating other people. I said yes. Thursday morning, while I was in the shower, I got a text from Johan. OF COURSE. I laughed out loud. He had all Wednesday to text me back, he knew I was confused and upset, and yet, he waited another 24 hours. It just felt cruel. It also felt familiar. I had done this before - had these relationships that are constant power plays, with everyone too insecure to actually say how they feel. I'm tired. I don't want that anymore. And so, I ended things with Johan. It took all day & it was not easy. Sometimes the head knows what's best, but it's still hard to break those habits. You have to make that decision again every day: to be a better person, to be deserving of love, to stop wasting time with men that will never give you what you need. To stop being afraid.

Friday night, I was cooking dinner with Jason when I got a text from Aaron, the last guy to fuck someone else just hours after he'd committed to me. He's now dumped the girl he was sleeping with and wants me back. OF COURSE. He wrote me a few long emails basically rationalizing his behavior. I scanned the emails looking for the words, "I'm sorry" and knowing they wouldn't be there. I'm mortified that I ever used to find this guy attractive in any way. He's so morally bankrupt he's irredeemable. I couldn't be less interested. It took several emails for him to understand that, though. Apparently he can't concieve of how I wouldn't be just jumping for joy at another chance with him. Ha.

Saturday morning, I got an email from an ex I dated 8 years ago, when I was in college. Honestly, he was abusive. The last time I saw him, I went over to our apartment to get my final (for Feminist Film, ironically). He came home early and saw me there, lunged at me and tried to wrestle the final from me. I fought back as best I could, finally landing one weak punch to his cheek. It was enough to give me a chance to slip out of his grip, return to college, and never think about him again. And I haven't since: I honestly keep forgetting about him. His email to me was delusional. Apparently he's moving to New York and thinks we have an undeniable connection. The only connection I remember was my fist to his face. Good riddance.

I don't know why all these past boyfriends are resurfacing. It's very strange... but I think it's to remind me of how far I've come, how much I've learned, and how deserving I am of a good relationship. I refuse to make the same mistakes. I went on Match to find a different kind of man (it's obvious I needed to!)

The funny thing about Jason is, it all just feels so easy. We were lying in bed at Princeton on Saturday night, after having a drink with his fellow PhD collegues, and he was telling me how he's never felt this way before. I feel the same way. Everything just kind of works, there are no red flags or concerns, and we have so much fun together. I can totally be myself and he seems to really like who I am. Flaws & all.

If I'm going to get hurt again, at least he will be worth the pain.

Happy Heart Day!

*scorpio*