The Boys of La La Land

I am laughing to myself (and out loud) as I look through old photos from my past years in Los Angeles. I am actually really happy that I am already laughing at a past I was once so annoyed by!

Here are a few of my favorite trip ups while traveling down memory lane........

*Bachelor 1: Early-30 something who treated me like a queen for 3 months, only to disappear the day he was supposed to meet my mom. He finally resurfaced 5 days later to complain about his ex-girlfriend's emotional baggage that somehow landed them both in therapy, where he was told he could only manage one woman in his life so I was out. He continued to bitch to me about how she didn't want him, but her father insisted they go to therapy together. REALLY??? His last name was a body part, so in the end I feel like I came out ahead.

*Bachelor 2: Mid-30 something balding movie producer who nicknamed me "trouble" and used to break dance to The Killers as foreplay? I don't know what demographic that would turn on? In any case, we had a fun and sexually charged relationship, although very brief. He thought I was heartbroken and asked all of my friends how I was handling it at industry parties. They always said: "really, she has moved on, stop worrying about it".

*Bachelor 3: Late-30 something producer who played literal mind games with me on the night we met at a club opening. We basically had a sexting relationship for almost 3 months, everyday all day, until one night we sealed the deal. It was weird, then amazing, then weird again. He had what resembled a 18 year old boys room in a hippie tree house apartment that he shared with his brother. At one point I thought he was going to try to share me...I did say weird. Producers are the LA version of banker boys.

*Bachelor 4: He reminded me of the bashful dorf in Snow White. He claimed to be a photographer, but really worked with porn websites. He was already mentioned on this blog for his "shortcomings" ;) I will never forget pacing around my kitchen biting my tongue as he walked me through a penile enlargement operation....in great detail!

*Bachelor 5: Guy whom I saw from a distance while attending Mercedes Benz Fashion Week. One day he came up to me and said "I will kiss you right now in front of everyone" and he did. Now, if anyone tried to pull that here and now their face would still be stinging from my hand, but I was different back then. Anyways, I have a picture of him sitting front row decked out in leather pants and Native American accessories. He was Native American, yet used a clip in braid ponytail which he took off one night before bed! I was terrified at first and will never date another man who uses clip in hair extensions while wearing women's Juicy tracksuits!!!

*Bachelor 6: Guy whom I met on Halloween just before getting picked up by Sean Lennon (who took me to pick up chocolate bars and then arrived at Cary Fisher's house, all the while dressed as a slutty Alice in Wonderland). I have pictures to prove every step along the way. Anyways, it felt like a love at first sight moment. He gave me his grandfather's ring to hold on to until he saw me again, called me to say how lovely it was to meet me, only I had to hang up because Sean was getting irritated. We went out on a date and Mr. Right quickly became Mr. Wrong. He showed me his tattoo that is literally of a trophy with his ex wife's name under it. After they divorced he had a giant red "VOID" stamp tattooed across it. You can imagine my facial expression as he proudly showed this to me. He also has many pictures of himself with famous rappers and tons of cash. He told me he would come "kidnap" me one night, but when he picked me up he was fuming because he got lost somewhere in Hollywood. He sped off like a maniac while blasting music so loud I thought the windows would shatter. Looking back, I really think he was on some serious drugs.

*Bachelor 7: We met over margaritas and 2 days later he was taking me camping in the Sequoias (yes, I am lucky he was not a serial killer). We had the most amazing time and happily continued the relationship back in LA. I invited him to my friend's birthday, where he pulled me outside to tell me how amazing I was. We danced and I thought we were having fun, but come 2:00am he came up to me on the dance floor and said "we are too different. I like to party, so I am going to a party with my friend now" and he just walked away never to be heard from again??? WTF.

*Bachelor 8: He may be my favorite, simple and sweet. He was actually a tourist just visiting Los Angeles. I picked him up at The Standard hotel and took him back to my place. He went down on me for hours and expected nothing in return. The next morning I had to drop him off at some random bus stop because I had to go to work and couldn't drive him all the way to Santa Monica. I felt bad, but then simply forgot about it.

There are so many more. I can only imagine what I will think of the boys of NYC once I look back in the next chapter of my life. Let's hope I am laughing.

*Aries*