A Confession...

I like to 'try on' relationships: see what it feels like to be serious with someone, play house, even talk wedding. But in the back of my head there is always and endpoint. It's as if I believe that no relationship lasts forever, and happiness in love is fleeting. And if it seems like it may last, I ensure it doesn't. I'm only comfortable giving my heart away when I know I'll take it back. I've always done this. I've never made it over a year: I just have this intrinsic belief that it won't last. It's imbedded so much that I didn't even realize it ... until I left my last boyfriend.

I told myself I would be fine - better off, even - but I wasn't. And I couldn't understand why my old getting-over-him tricks didn't work. Months went by; a year even. But it was like my heart thumped his name. I couldn't move on... despite how I tried. It was terrifying. I didn't understand. And then I looked around me, at other relationships, and realized it didn't always have to end. Love doesn't have to mean pain. It doesn't always have to explode/implode so catastrophically. I was always looking for the ways it would fail, the inevitable destruction, and protecting myself against it by leaving first. It's the oldest story - but to me it was like the scales had been lifted from my lids.

I watched my younger brother with his live-in love, and how easy & solid it was. He recently casually mentioned to me that she was his best friend. I thought about that for weeks - I didn't know it was possible.

See, my parents' divorce was epic, and as the eldest I bore the brunt of it. I would bring my brother into my room when I heard the yelling, and we would play loud music to drown it out. I would play games with him when my mom would take us away in the middle of the night. He told me that he didn't remember the fighting, which means of course that I was successful in protecting him. It also means that he believes in love. He believes it can be safe & happy. And I'm so happy that he feels that way. I only just realized I could have what he does. Just because I saw a spectacular failure doesn't mean I'm destined to repeat it. I don't always have to be hunting for the fatal flaw. I don't have to destroy before I am destroyed. And most of all, my partner & I can be on the same team.

It was like something finally clicked... I'm allowed to trust men. And that's when I realized that more than anything in the world, I wanted him back. The one man who made even a grocery store visit magical (and I loathe the grocery store). The guy that I was always excited to see, even after a year of dating. I realized I'd made a huge mistake. Love doesn't have to be a prison. Real love doesn't come around that often. My stomach ached as I realized how carelessly I'd discarded mine.

Every day, I'm wracked with regret. And what hurts the most is the fact that I did it to myself. In all my machinations to protect my heart - I ended up fatally wounding it.


*scorpio*