Little Deaths

Last Thursday, I had my fourth date with Johan. We had dinner at Pipa followed by scotch neat at a bar next door. I'm always excited to see him and that night was no exception. We had another six hour date during which we got a bit personal. He told me something he's never told anyone before... and I did the same. And then we segued into a strangely ominous conversation.

Him: Do you ever get passive aggressive?

Me: *pause* Yes, I have... with my ex. He never wanted to have any conversations and so I felt that was my only way of communicating. But I don't think I'll do that again.

Him: My ex couldn't stand arguing of any kind, so I ended up just going along with things to keep the peace.

Me: Are you a yeller?

Him: No, but I'm moody. Are you?

Me: No, I get quiet. Or sad. Or both. I tend to not talk when I'm upset.

Him: *look of concern* Oh, that's not good. That's not good for me.

Me: Sometimes it's only an hour... but I can be stubborn.

Him: Me, too.

Then the check came and we moved to the bar and I basically forgot all about that conversation... until just now.

At the bar I was asking him what he thought the difference between a boy and a man was, and he kept making silly jokes. I laughed at the first two, but then I got a little frustrated. I guess I was kind of testing his intelligence and ability to sustain in-depth conversations with me... after all, this is how I think, this is what I love to do. After the third joke fell flat, I told him I was going to the restroom. He put his hand on my waist: "are you upset?" I told him I would be right back.

In the bathroom mirror, I looked at my reflection and exhaled. I felt this old feeling bubbling up - in a way I was trying to run. Things with Jason had picked up and a part of me knew I was looking for reasons to eliminate Johan. I was so drawn to Johan though, and I knew part of it was because he reminded me of my ex. He was familiar: Sexy. Hard to get. Sarcastic. Basically, a perfect storm of traits I love in a man; my kryptonite.

I went back to the bar, and sat down. "Our conversations were more compelling the last times we've been out," I said. "What's going on?" He explained that he'd had a big week at work and just wanted to goof off. I visibly relaxed and said, "Oh, ok, good. I can do silly." He still looked concerned. "I'm not one of those girls who says something she doesn't mean... really, let's have fun." And we did. We talked about his Vegas escapades and made each other laugh. When the bar closed, he walked me to a cab. As is his habit, he texted me about how great the night was before I even got home. We exchanged a few witticisms, and I gave him a big compliment, which in hindsight made me feel a bit vulnerable. "You better not be romanticizing a mediocre date" came the reply. I wasn't sure what to make of that, so I asked him to send me a picture, but he didn't respond. I fell asleep.

The next day, I was headed off on my ski vacation with Jason, and he was playing golf with his father in Hilton Head. He texted me at noon that he hoped I had a good weekend. I didn't respond. I'm not sure why...

Saturday night, he texted me, "I wonder where Scorpio is." Since I was with Jason, there was no good time to text him back, plus I didn't really want to take away from my time with Jason.

On Sunday, when I returned, I texted him "Hi! I'm back!" His inimical replies to my questions prompted me to ask, "What's with the truncated responses?" He wrote back, "Isn't that better than no response at all?" Ouch.

I asked him if he was mad, he said he was just tired... I told him I was glad he was back and we'd speak tomorrow, fully expecting him to apologize in the morning for being passive aggressive.

Monday came and went...

Tuesday came and went...

We used to text every day. I'm trying to tell myself that it's for the best. I wanted out anyway, we wouldn't have lasted, my rational mind tells me he's wrong for me. Looking back, our conversation predicted our demise:

A stand-off, fueled by pride.

But, I did love the way the corners of his mouth turned up when he was amused...

*scorpio*