I took the day off on Friday in order to find my sanity on a beach...somewhere....anywhere! I decided to turn it into a fun fling with this man I have been seeing. So he picks me up and we head out of the city. This man is someone I assumed would be the picture perfect New York player, but he actually is very sweet and romantic. It has been my middle school dream to have a boy show his affection by making a mixed cd for me. My wish finally came true as he literally mixed an amazing cd of meaningful songs with actual recorded shot outs to me. It was really so amazing (as he is an important New York DJ) and thoughtful. It made me even more excited and relaxed, until about an hour in when we stopped at a gas station that looked like a scene from the movie "Juice". I was with my man, so I felt protected and more at ease. I was standing between the coffee cups and candy aisle when this gruff customer said "what's wrong with you? Why are you talking to someone like that?" I couldn't hear the cashier, but the customer (carrying a giant cane) replied "come outside and let's settle this". I found myself at arms length from being on an episode of "The First 48"! They were in each others' faces yelling things like "go back to the third world country that you came from! You heard me, the one I just bombed the shit out of!" When I heard those fighting words, I started counting the seconds until guns were going to be drawn. In the A&E episode, I would be examined by detectives drinking black coffee from styrofoam cups saying "she was just at the wrong place at the wrong time." Luckily, my man finally came out of the bathroom and we left the madness. This was just another reminder to watch what you say to people. The high August heat has made everyone a little feverish.
We stopped at his friend's pad in East Hampton and enjoyed a few lovely hours lounging in the sun with fresh fruit and a bottle of Patron. The ocean seemed to instantly wash away the stress and city grime. As the sun began to set, we continued on to our spot in Montauk with the plan of a nap, some cocktails, skinny dipping, and hot sex. Then it was like the record stopped with that sudden ear splitting scratch as we were about to have sex on the beach when he casually stated that he was sleeping with other people. UMMMM....(cut to tears and a drunken, dramatic, Ortho Lo meltdown)
Granted I am dating other people, but that does not mean I am sleeping with more than one person! It turned into the argument that anyone who hasn't experienced dating in a big city would find insane. There we were, two people who are into each other, but won't allow themselves to release the city dating strategy. You both want to find love, but can't be exclusive out of fear, trust issues, or the hope of something better coming along? I started our first date by saying I was dating other people. He pursued me even harder and made me feel like I was the only woman and really meant something. He never mentioned anyone else and was calling me so much I never assumed I wasn't the only one.
It was my first trip in a long time with a man that I actually wanted to be with and it could have been one of those moments when you cut the bullshit and really start something, but....ALAS. It became an emotional, yet expected disappointment. This is the root of my fear of commitment, too many stories from the past few years flashed through my head. The car ride home was an initial disaster. I wouldn't even look at him much less respond to his affection. It was painful and obnoxious to listen to the cd that I found so romantic on the drive up. The irony was that he ended up putting in another cd that had the same shout outs, but to a different name. Everything that I thought meant something now meant nothing. I couldn't be the pot calling the kettle black. We were both placing our bets on the same table, but not willing to lose it all on one hand. Once I realized it is still all a game I sucked it up, kissed him goodbye, and stepped back into life as a player in the city. In this love game, we all have poker faces sometimes placing a bet and showing all of our cards, other times we lose by the surprise ace up the sleeve. We keep shuffling, dealing, strategizing until it becomes too much of a gamble.
My Queen of Hearts is off the table for now.
*aries*
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